One of my earliest tasks when meeting with new clients is to talk about the goals they have for their lives. And more often than not, at some point in the discussion, they say some version of, “I just want to be happy.” Most people I meet would give just about anything for more happiness, and I fully understand the desire. Who doesn’t want to be happier?
It is an important part of our overall well-being, but the way we think about happiness tends to be one of the things that keeps us from it.
Most people think of happiness as the “warm and fuzzy” feeling they get when something really great happens. These moments are amazing!! But if you really think about them, they never last long. The situation changes, and the feeling fades. We’re left with waiting until the next good thing happens for us to feel it again. Happiness is a short-term, fleeting emotion (it turns out, this is true of all of our other emotional experiences, too, but we can talk about that another day…). No matter how hard we try to hang on to it forever, things change and the feeling goes. Emotions exist to give us important information about our current situation – they are meant to regularly change as a reflection of our changing circumstances.
When I talk with people about happiness in this way, most are quick to say that is not what they mean when they say they want to be happy. For most people, they are talking about their desire for a longer-lasting sense that their lives are well-lived, with meaning and purpose. They are searching for satisfaction with their lives, rather than hoping to make that short-lived experience of joy last forever. But there is a real danger in confusing life satisfaction and happiness. Being satisfied with life requires going after goals with perseverance, and this is not always a “happy” path.
At some point we must acknowledge that between where we are now and the goals we have for success and satisfaction is a space probably filled with a fair amount of struggle, a lot of hard work, and some times that feel pretty far from happy. If we become exclusively focused on happiness at any cost, we risk missing out on important opportunities. We may no longer be willing to tolerate the discomfort of working through a rough patch in a marriage which has otherwise been a source of joy. We may decide to give up on the dream of career advancement in a workplace we value after being passed over for a promotion. In the short term, these experiences may bring frustration, disappointment, embarrassment, or fear. But the ability to weather the storm and press toward a goal is an important skill. Because it turns out when we seek after purpose and meaning, even when it is difficult, we might accidentally find that happiness lives just on the other side.
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