Part 3: Communicating Your Limits

A Beginner’s Guide to Boundaries is a three-part series on this important topic. To start the process, I will focus on identifying some of the myths about boundaries that I hear a lot. Then, when I’ve shared about what boundaries aren’t, I’ll talk about what they are and help reshape your thinking about how they can work for you in your life. Lastly, once you have a good understanding of boundaries and their role in your well-being, we’ll focus on how to effectively communicate them to others. If you’re new to the topic, it can be a lot to sort out! But for those willing to hang in there, most of those I know who have done the work feel so grateful when they get to the other side of the experience and find things changed for the better.

In this third and final part of the series, we will focus on exploring strategies for effectively communicating your boundaries to others. If you missed earlier parts of the series, consider first reviewing Part One: The Myths of Boundary-Setting and Part Two: Identifying Your Limits. In these sections, you will consider first the why and then the how of identifying your interpersonal limits and prepare for this section’s discussion of effectively implementing these newly-identified boundaries.

Once you have identified areas for improvement regarding your decisions about how you spend your time and energy, it is very common (and understandable!) to want to shout them from the rooftops. There are reasons, though, to approach this process a little more slowly and deliberately than may be your first impulse. It is important to realize that making changes in your life will inherently impact those with whom you are in relationship. It benefits everyone for changes to occur gradually, allowing time to make the adjustments and evaluate their outcomes.

Often, when we take stock of our boundaries and the ways they are or are not working for us, we find one or a few areas which stand out as places to make a change. Maybe as you have put your attention on the issue of boundaries, you have realized you having been living far outside your limits at work. Perhaps you have a particular friendship or family relationship that comes to mind as one in which you have not been your best self or gotten your best support. Or maybe you have found a lot of areas which would benefit from a change. When you are ready to make a change, it is probably best to choose one opportunity for getting started. Because the forms boundaries can take vary so widely, there is no one clear strategy for beginning to talk about changes in your limits with others. But there are a few guidelines that can be helpful to be mindful of as your approach the process.

When discussing your personal limits with others, it is generally helpful to

• Be honest. When we are in the position of needing to decline another’s request for our time or energy, we tend to soften the blow of the “no” by expressing our regret. I strongly encourage you to only express your regret to miss the opportunity if you feel true regret and feel hopeful you can participate next time. If you don’t feel that way, please don’t say you do!! If you truly wish you were able to be involved, saying so can ensure others know you are very interested in them, their interests, and their activities but were unable to prioritize them for this moment. However, communicating that we are regretful when we are not makes it more likely we will get additional similar invitations to set boundaries around. An important part of boundary-setting is to establish our limits in ways which accurately reflect our limits for today and for the future, reducing the extent to which we must continue setting the same limits in the same areas with the same people.

• Be brief. Those who struggle to value their own wants and needs tend to provide a host of reasons for their decisions about boundaries, when they exist. If, alternatively, you acknowledge that you are allowed to make good decisions on your own behalf, it is often far easier to simply state the boundary without over-explanation or other efforts to justify your limits or excuse yourself for having them. You are not required to justify your decisions about your boundaries. You are not required to have an “excuse” for declining a request. It is possible and, I would argue, genuinely connecting to simply decline a request without over-apology or over-explanation. “It does not work for me this time” (or a thousand other variations on this theme) is a perfectly valid reason to provide for your decisions about how you spend your time and energy.

• Be prepared for a range of reactions. When we make a change to how we set limits for ourselves, those around us tend to notice and may express reactions ranging from incredible support to all-out rebellion. Generally speaking, groups of people (from as small as two to as large as you can imagine) move toward stability – we like things to stay the same because we tend to value familiarity and predictability. When you begin making changes to your limits and sharing those with others, it is likely that even those who support you will be acutely aware of how these changes impact them and the occasional discomfort of that. Allow those around you to care for themselves in the process of adjusting to your changes. They are allowed to be angry or frustrated, they are allowed to be disappointed, they are allowed to miss you, they are allowed to wish you were back to your “old self.” And you are allowed to pursue your goals and efforts at finding good limits no matter their reactions. The beauty of setting good boundaries and thinking about them effectively is that you will be able to recognize their reactions as understandable reactions to change and grant them permission to their self-care just as you have granted yourself permission to yours. You are allowed to set your rules; they are allowed to set theirs; and together, you will figure out how those work to maintain good relationship between you. It is common for there to initially be a period of tension when boundaries shift; however, that tends to be fairly short-lived and is often best supported by honest, open discussions with the people you care about most. Be patient – with you and with them!

I am in this work ALL THE TIME, both for myself (remember, it’s a continual and continually-changing process!), for the people I love personally, and for the clients with whom I am privileged to work. Because of that, I know the pain, the joy, the tension, and the resolution of the boundaries process. The consequences of not having good boundary-setting skills are real. The consequences of having good boundary-setting skills are real, too. We choose our sets of consequences at each moment, and that carries us to the place of good relationship with ourselves and with others. If you need someone to sit across from while you work through the pain and find the good – to be frustrated with while it’s “not working” and to celebrate with the first time it does – I am SO there!

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